I dunno about you, but my life goes through a lot of ups and downs.
Ups & Downs
You know what I mean? You are moving through life in a somewhat leisurely and orderly fashion, and as you come to a pivotal moment - it all slows down, just like a rollercoaster car at the top of a rise before it tetters and then roars off into - possible oblivion. Well, that’s what it seems like at the top. Speed increases, you can’t see the bottom. You don’t know what’s going to happen and your breathing catches, your heart races and – it all just seems so out of control. As you bottom out you think of the quote often attributed variously to Mark Twain and/or and Winston Churchill: “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
You reach the bottom and off you go again. No worse for wear, oh well except for one YouTube video I saw of a young lady whose top came off in the wind generated by some extended free falling. And underwear – also missing in action. Oh dear.
But, and here is where I find myself (no! Not with clothes blowing off) in a situation.
Many plans I have in my head, those of several steps anyway, begin after a reasonable amount of procrastination so I don’t seem too eager and a large amount of research so I can honestly say, “I’m not ready.” and then as they reach toward the end of the first step I slow down, perhaps not wanting to actually reach the top because I am not sure how to do the next step. This means that the plunge will really be out of control. So I resist. And I slow down. A kind of procrastination.
Just Before The Top
And I often stop just at, or sometimes just before, the top. Hopefully at the point where the roller coaster car is released from the lifting thingamy and is about to be launched under its own steam down the other side. Hopefully just after that release.
It’s like when you take a big long breath, you pause for a tiny second, usually, before releasing the breath and exhaling. Yeah, you just did it didn’t you? Feel the second or two pause at the top?
My life is like that. I rise up - pause and hopefully go down the other side in a controlled manner.
How it works is, I know what I am doing, after a fashion, as I embark on step one. But as I approach step 2, I slow down. Don’t wanna get to the top, ‘cause I am not really sure I know what needs to be done in the next step. The going down the other side under control bit.
I am frightened. I am uncertain, feeling vulnerable and I just DON’T want to get to the top. Not yet.
Fear Of The Unknown
That means I have to KNOW what the next step is going to entail. Not knowing is the big thing. Fear of the unknown. I am sure we all suffer from this.
Am I fully aware of what I need to do next? What if it’s not perfect? What if … ? What if ….. ?
The pity of it is, it’s not always that important. If you started with a small amount of forward planning, you must have some idea of where you
are headed and what each step entails, and SOME research must have been done. So it’s not quite like going over the top of a rollercoaster holding on to your top and hoping it doesn’t blow off. Not at all.
Won’t Be Perfect
It, in my case at least, is that ever-present concern that it won’t be perfect.
I know it never will be. And that being authentic is all I could wish for, but I still worry as I come to the end of each step in a process, that I do not know enough to make it happen. To make it perfect. So I slow down.
And yes quite a few times I have come crashing back down, backwards, totally out of control and losing everything I had worked so hard for.
Break The Rollercoaster Cycle
Anyone else do the same? Come with me and together we may be able to get off this rollercoaster and make things happen.